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30 Apr

Several days later, while looking again through the cache I found two emails from yet another email account and demanded he show it to me.

After hemming and hawing about not remembering the password, he finally showed me the site and after much surfing around I found two emails confirming he had been with at least two prostitutes.

Specifically: male virginity and the shame in ages – talking about the shame and pain of being a male virgin.

They talk about feeling broken or unworthy, that they’ve missed some sort of open time frame where they could lose their virginity and now they’re (metaphorically) screwed.

At times I feel “his feelings” almost more than my own and I wonder if I have lost myself to this person. Especially when I start feeling like I just want to go back to him and pretend none of this ever happened. In therapy he is apologetic and is saying the right things, but, as always, it doesn’t feel authentic to me. I can’t believe he thought so little of me that he would put my LIFE in danger by having sex with prostitutes. He’s now saying he’s a sex addict – that he’s been dealing w compulsive porn use for twenty years, “only rarely” surfs escort sites and “even more rarely” actually had sex w prostitutes. And in twenty years there have “only” been six (now it’s six, by the way) prostitutes. I’ve asked for transparency for us to move forward but I don’t think I’m getting it and don’t know if I ever will OR if he is being honest, if I’d be able to tell.

It feels like he read some manual about what he’s supposed to say and do and that’s what he’s doing. I am desperate for support, for insights from those who have been through this, are going through it, are working to come out on the other side.

Today, I want to start the conversation to help dismantle it.

And one of the best places to start is to talk about sex.

He said it was titillating to set up the dates but always cancelled them.We are in marriage counseling and currently living apart. I watch my girls play and feel such a profound loss – of the family I thought we had, as flawed as it may have been.I am sickened by him but at the same time feel this empathy for him – I feel badly that he isn’t seeing the kids as much as before, I feel badly that he seems to be suffering.Dear Jo Ann, I would like to preface this by saying that I have yet to determine whether my husband is a sex addict with a compulsion to consume porn, surf escort sites, and sleep with prostitutes OR an entitled, narcissistic bastard who believes these behaviors are acceptable and deserved (by him) and is just apologizing and trying to make amends simply because he was caught. I have always felt a distance from my husband – a certain disconnection on his part that was exacerbated by his minimal ability to empathize w others and his obsession w himself.For example, he is the kind of man who will steer the conversation to himself, will talk at length about himself (almost like a monologue w little room for others input or a give and take), but will rarely, if ever, ask any questions of anyone else in the room.