Codependent dating

04 Feb

The same intuitive feeling of familiarity and comfort is experienced by the other “dance partner.” Like opposite sides of a magnet, these two “human magnets” are unconsciously drawn to each other because of the way their self-orientations match up, not because of the compatibility of their Internet dating profiles or the allure of their attractive photos.

This magnetic love connection predictably and inevitably begins like a fairy-tale, but quickly morphs into a painful “seesaw” of love and hate and hope and disappointment. ♦◊♦ Just ask your friends, think about your own family, or analyze your own dating history.

"After a while, friends get tired of not being able to help you," says Dr. But try to be aware of some of the following red-flag thoughts or behaviors:• "If my partner's not happy, I can't possibly be happy."• "Our problems are usually all my fault."• "If I just change one of my habits (nagging him for staying out late, for example), he'll change." • "I often push away unhappy, uncomfortable or painful feelings."If you begin to see that you're always doing the work in your relationship while your partner never does, stop and take stock.

___Have you been working on your online dating profile? Finding the exact right words to describe your wonderful self?

As a result these now grownup children tend to be attracted to people who, they feel, need them. If your answer is always qualified by what your partner wants, that's a major red flag.

So is beginning an answer to a friend who asks your view on something with: "Well, John thinks..." or "John says..." "Codependents are caring people; they just care beyond the bounds of reason," explains Tina Tessina, Ph D, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids.

His boldness, charisma, self-confidence, and charm create the illusion that he is the man about whom she has always dreamt.

You will likely conclude that, when self-orientations are similar, shared feelings of disappointment and frustration are experienced, especially if there are areas of conscious compatibility.

To illustrate, the smoldering sexy man with six-pack abs and the drop-dead gorgeous woman who sports a perfect set of lips and long beautiful legs just might not be a good match. Or, if entranced by lust, the lack of chemistry will surely be the bucket of cold water that tears these two apart.

You can't express what you want or confide in the other person.

Eventually, you end up living separate lives." Another unhealthy aspect of codependency is how it spills over into other areas of your life, adds Dr. "It's very hard for your friends to maintain an honest relationship with you if your problems remain the same yet you refuse to see how you might change them." For example, you might complain to your friend that your partner isn't faithful to you, yet you habitually make the problem about you, saying that you just need to change your own behavior to fix it. Unfortunately, codependency is an extremely difficult thing to change on your own because you're usually blind to it. "It can help you identify and acknowledge your own feelings." The classic books on codependency by Melody Beattie, such as Codependent No More, can also be excellent resources.